But the funny thing about God, is that he doesn't drag us along. He knows what's best for us, and He knows that if he leaves us alone we're probably going to screw it up. But He lets us do it anyway. He waits for us to turn to Him and surrender. Then He delivers us in ways we could never imagine.
Saturday afternoon I surrendered. There were prayers and tears and confessions. But a good friend was with me every step of the way, and I surrendered my heart and my desires and allowed myself to be nudged. I freely acknowledged that it might not be God's will for me to bear children, and I opened my heart to other possibilities with no reservations.
Sunday morning at church I praised God with all my heart for delivering me from myself, and I was overwhelmed with excitement to see what would happen next.
Then, Sunday afternoon, with the intention of putting this behind me once and for all I took a pregnancy test.
AND IT WAS POSITIVE.
And I freaked.
I mean, shaking-in-your-boots-can't-speak-can't-breathe-about-to-have-an-aneurysm FREAKED!
I thought I had passed God's test for me. This founding member of Control Freaks Anonymous was moving toward a path that would give me absolutely no control. And I had peace about it. I really did. Well done, good and faithful servant, right?
Not so fast, kiddo - this test has two parts. It's one thing to trust God and have peace with something new and exciting that was triggered by the nudging of the Holy Spirit. It's another thing entirely to suddenly be confronted with the realization that the thing you wished for, and prayed for, and dreamed of for seven years is suddenly possible, but it's not a sure thing. Waiting on a call from a doctor's office regarding blood work that could change your life forever is gut-wrenching and terrifying. But allowing myself to be stressed and anxious is the worst thing I can do for this little life inside me. So what now?
Now, this founding member of Control Freaks Anonymous has to rely on the encouragement of others.
I have to admit that I can't do this alone even though I really would rather hold it all inside.
I have to send text messages to friends and ask for distractions like silly jokes.
I have to joke about my strange and sudden craving for Chic Fil A.
I have to allow myself to feel the joy of this moment without being afraid for what tomorrow holds.
And I have to pray that God will show His glory no matter what happens in the next minute, or hour, or day, or week, or nine months. This path is no different than the path I was ready and willing to follow with excitement. The difference is in me. The difference is that - after three miscarriages and four years of infertility - I know how bad it hurts when the path I'm currently traveling ends unexpectedly, and I'm afraid to feel that pain again.
I did not want to post anything on the Internet until I had confirmation from the doctor that my hormone levels were good. I wanted to wait until it was 100% joyful news with no trepidation. But as a Recovering Control Freak, I've realized that I need to put it out there and let others pray. I need to share this with my prayer warrior friends and trust that God is in control no matter what the phone call from the doctor means.
So please, friends, pray that a healthy Baby Turner will join this crazy world in July 2011. But please also pray that Mommy Turner will have peace and trust God to provide everything she needs exactly when she needs it.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." ~Ephesians 3:20-21