Yes, I do think God speaks. I believe that He is a living, working God and I believe He speaks to His people. If you think I'm nuts that's okay with me. But I know that God talks to me. Occasionally it's a little voice in my ear, but most of the time it's through a friend or, even more often, a song. And the two places He talks to me most are in the car and in the bathtub. If you've been around this blog very long you know that I have control issues. I go through these phases where I feel like I'm wrestling with God. Like He has me penned in because there's something He has to teach me, but I'm basically an angry bull that just wants out of the dadgum pen. Eventually He wears me down and I hear what He's been trying to say and I'm still for awhile. But not for long because I absorb His lesson, and then I'm off and running again and He has to pen me in again. Like I talked about a couple of weeks ago, I've been in survival mode for a few months, and I think God gave me a break from being penned in. (Thank you, Lord, by the way!) But starting a couple of weeks ago I found myself back in the pen again. And this time was different. It was heavier. It was like I knew there was no point in fighting, so I just tried to lay down and hear it but I couldn't. It was all fuzzy in my brain. I had spiritual "static".
I'm not an easy person. Nothing is ever easy with me. I do things the hard way. I fight. I strain. I wrestle. I'm passionate and fiery and sometimes volatile. I feel emotions strongly and, if unhindered, I react strongly. Most people are not like me. I'm hard to understand and relate to. And over time, through the experiences and hurts of life that came because people couldn't relate to me, I began to think of myself as "difficult to love". So I put up walls. Barriers to keep people out. I'd let them see just a little of who I am and then hold back the rest because I was absolutely certain that if they knew who I was they'd run away. I couldn't let myself be vulnerable. And years went by. Years.
I firmly believe that God made me a fighter. He gave me the instinct to fight because it brought me through a phase of my life where sometimes the only thing that kept me going was begging God to help me because "I will NOT let this beat me". But what I've realized this week is that the fighting phase of my life is over, at least for now. It's time to stop fighting. It's time to let someone else - God and my husband - fight on my behalf. It's time to come off the front lines and let my scars heal and soak in what God has planned for me now.
There's a problem. I don't know how.
But God knew I didn't know, and He had it all figured out ahead of time. At the beginning of January I asked Aaron if we could read one book per month and discuss during our Friday night date nights. It could be the same book or different books, but I saw it as a way to plan some meaningful time together, and he jumped all over the idea. He went to the bookshelf, pulled down Wild At Heart (for him) and Captivating (for me) and said "Let's read these". Those books have been sitting untouched on our bookshelf for eight years. They were gifts that got passed over and forgotten about. Ahem. God didn't forget.
If you're a woman who hasn't read Captivating you really should. It's all about how our hearts reflect God and how He romances us and fulfills us if we let Him. Let me say that again. If we let Him. For the last couple of weeks I've been reading this book and getting my hair blown back by the realization that God loves me just like I am, difficulties and all. And not in a Sunday school "God loves us" way, but in a true, deep, passionate way. He longs for a relationship with us. That's why He created us! We just have to trust Him and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with Him and He will transform us. He will ROMANCE us! So I've been praying that God will help me tear down these walls and allow myself to be myself with Him, but I kept getting in my own way. And we were at a stalemate.
Tonight Aaron left for school and I put a pot of soup on the stove and went to soak in a hot bath and read. I picked up my book and tried to read the next chapter, but I kept being drawn to the end of the previous chapter where it talked about sitting still and soaking in God's presence. Why is sitting still so hard for me? I wrestled with it for a minute or two (of course I did!) and then I prayed a simple prayer. "God, I want to do this. I want to be vulnerable....I think...yes...maybe...okay, I do. I want to be romanced and fulfilled by you. Show me what you have to say? Please? I'm listening. I'm here." And I took a deep breath and hit shuffle on my iPhone.
And God gave me "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman.
If you don't know that song, it was written by SCC for his wife. It talks about faithfulness in a relationship. It's a romantic song. It was the song that was sung at my wedding.
And I sat in that bathtub with tears on my cheeks and let God talk.
The next song that played was "Your Grace Is Enough" (First line: Great is your faithfulness, Oh God. You wrestle with the sinner's restless heart. Chorus: Your grace is enough for me)
And then came "10,000 Reasons" (Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. Worship Your holy name.)
I sat in that bathtub and God and I talked through song after song. A question from me ("Beautiful" by Bethany Dillon). A message from Him ("He Will Carry Me" by Mark Schultz).
And then...remember how I said God has a sense of humor...the iPhone played "Gone" by Switchfoot. And I realized that it had been nearly an hour and my bath water was ice cold. And I laughed until I cried. Maybe it doesn't strike you as funny, but it did to me. And I was so grateful that the same God who disciplines me and provides for me and romances me will also take the time to crack a little joke now and then. Because it shows me how well He knows me.
God is here. He proved it again to me tonight. You can call it a coincidence - there was a time when I would have - but I no longer believe in coincidences. The Spirit of God is alive and is working in his people. He is powerful and all-knowing. He is gentle and romantic. And he has a sense of humor.
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Hurricane
I went to a Ladies Retreat this weekend. At about noon on Saturday I texted my dear friend and told her that God was smacking me around a little bit and I needed her to pray. I couldn't explain it all via text; I just needed her to pray. Same thing for my husband. Just pray. And they did. And I got smacked around some more. Thanks, you two!
Seriously. Thanks.
This is the hardest blog entry I've ever written. I texted my friend and told her I couldn't find the words. She said to just write what I'm going through so I can help others who are going through the same thing. But are there really other people who are going through this?
Write the blog.
But God, I think this one can just stay between us.
Write the blog.
But God, I don't think anyone will "get" it.
Write the blog.
But God, SURELY other people aren't as screwed up as me. Who else could possibly need to know this?
Write the blog.
But God-
WRITE THE BLOG! Write it. Write. It. Down. Press "publish". End of discussion.
............fine.
PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who has these conversations with God.
At the Retreat this weekend we talked about stages of our walk with God. And it was all about shoes. Shoes! Our guest speaker knows how to get down on a girl's level. She talked about how sanctification is a process, and how we have to take it seriously. The Israelites didn't take it seriously, and they ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years on a journey that should've taken 14 days. *headdesk*
She compared our spiritual walk to four different types of shoes:
Are you ready?
Nope.
But I'll try to be.
I'll help you. Be still. I've got a plan.
Okay.
When I was on my way home I plugged in my iPhone and pushed "shuffle" on my Christian music playlist. And this song came on. (Forgive the cheesy pictures please).
And I understood.
My prayer right now is for God to tear down my walls. I'm praying for a hurricane. I don't know what that means. I don't know that looks like. And I'm afraid. Terrified. Shaking in my Flip-Flops.
But I'm more afraid to spend my life with walls up because those walls limit what God can do with me. I don't want to spend 40 years in the desert taking a 14 day journey.
I recently started doing FlyLady's approach to house-keeping. She starts you with BabySteps. One little thing at a time. I'm following the same principle here. I'm looking for God in the little everyday things. Like Sam's laugh. The dog chasing a fly. The tiny little peppers budding on my jalapeno plant. The magic of just the right song at just the right time.
There's not a good way to end this post because there's not really an end. This is a beginning. What is God beginning with you? I think hearing about other peoples' struggles and realizations lets us know that we're all in this together. So I'd love to hear your stories!
Seriously. Thanks.
This is the hardest blog entry I've ever written. I texted my friend and told her I couldn't find the words. She said to just write what I'm going through so I can help others who are going through the same thing. But are there really other people who are going through this?
Write the blog.
But God, I think this one can just stay between us.
Write the blog.
But God, I don't think anyone will "get" it.
Write the blog.
But God, SURELY other people aren't as screwed up as me. Who else could possibly need to know this?
Write the blog.
But God-
WRITE THE BLOG! Write it. Write. It. Down. Press "publish". End of discussion.
............fine.
PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who has these conversations with God.
At the Retreat this weekend we talked about stages of our walk with God. And it was all about shoes. Shoes! Our guest speaker knows how to get down on a girl's level. She talked about how sanctification is a process, and how we have to take it seriously. The Israelites didn't take it seriously, and they ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years on a journey that should've taken 14 days. *headdesk*
She compared our spiritual walk to four different types of shoes:
- Flip-Flops: Doesn't really know God or have a deep walk with Him
- Fuzzy Slippers: Has just fallen in love with God and it's all about the warm-fuzzy feelings and the newness
- Tennis Shoes: A time of refinement; God is making you work
- Go-Go-God Boots: Walking by faith
At the beginning of this weekend I would've told you that I'm in the Tennis Shoes stage. I'm working, man! But as our speaker talked about the Flip-Flops and the Fuzzy Slippers I realized maybe I had it all wrong. And then she started talking about the Tennis Shoes, and I KNEW I had it all wrong.
God is working on me - he's working on all of us. But here's the kicker....I'm working on me more than I'm letting God work on me.
I am working on me more than I'm letting God work on me.
All those "bad" behaviors that you read about in the New Testament. I'm working hard on getting rid of them. I'm getting my temper in check. I'm trying to think more positively. I'm trying to have the mind of Christ. I'm. I'm. I'm.
Newsflash: It's not working.
It's not working because I'm trying to be in my Tennis Shoes without first getting my feet used to Fuzzy Slippers.
In other words, if I haven't fallen in love with God I'm not going to be willing to do the hard work with my whole heart. I'm not going to be willing to give up control and become who God wants me to be rather than who I want to be. I sat in that room this weekend and got this sinking feeling because I realized what a deep hole I was actually in. I realized that I need to go back to the basics and find a newness with God.
Here's the problem: I don't do Fuzzy Slippers. Warm-fuzzy is hard for me. I'm cynical. I'm logical. I'm sarcastic. Chick flicks annoy me. I don't wear pink (unless it's glaringly bright). I put up walls, and I fight feelings of emotion. This is not because of some deep-seated childhood trauma that made me afraid to love. It's my personality. It's my natural tendency. I think I'm a Vulcan.
I was sitting at the Retreat thinking about worrying about how to change this. How do I learn how to be warm and fuzzy? How do I put down those walls that have kept me safe for so long? If I try to let them down won't I be flooded with emotion and end up weeping in front of An Affair To Remember like some sappy housewife? I'm comfortable in my tennis shoes with my sleeves rolled up and my hair in a ponytail. I like to tackle things - I like to be moving. Busyness and hard work allow me to avoid dealing with the deeper issues that nag in the back of my mind. I am not comfortable with stillness. I am unsettled when things get too quiet. And don't even get me started on the ooey-gooey marshmallow conversations that I hear other people have. But how does that all fit with the spiritual need to spend some time in Fuzzy Slippers? The need to really discover God. My stomach was in knots. My heart rate had kicked up. I was feeling like things were out of control. Because they were.
And then there was a quiet little voice in my ear. And it said "You're okay. I made you the way you are. Your personality serves a purpose. And I'll help you take your walls down. But you have to let me."
You have to let me.
But God, I don't know how. 32 years of walls don't come down overnight. I can't just choose this.
You have to let me.
Okay, let's say I decide to try this. What happens next? What do I do?
You don't do anything. You have to let ME.
Right.
Right.
Are you ready?
Nope.
But I'll try to be.
I'll help you. Be still. I've got a plan.
Okay.
When I was on my way home I plugged in my iPhone and pushed "shuffle" on my Christian music playlist. And this song came on. (Forgive the cheesy pictures please).
And I understood.
My prayer right now is for God to tear down my walls. I'm praying for a hurricane. I don't know what that means. I don't know that looks like. And I'm afraid. Terrified. Shaking in my Flip-Flops.
But I'm more afraid to spend my life with walls up because those walls limit what God can do with me. I don't want to spend 40 years in the desert taking a 14 day journey.
I recently started doing FlyLady's approach to house-keeping. She starts you with BabySteps. One little thing at a time. I'm following the same principle here. I'm looking for God in the little everyday things. Like Sam's laugh. The dog chasing a fly. The tiny little peppers budding on my jalapeno plant. The magic of just the right song at just the right time.
There's not a good way to end this post because there's not really an end. This is a beginning. What is God beginning with you? I think hearing about other peoples' struggles and realizations lets us know that we're all in this together. So I'd love to hear your stories!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Slowing Down
It's a Monday evening. Aaron was off work today, and he is sitting in the floor with Sam playing with the cookie jar of shapes we got from Aunt Velvet for Christmas. Veggie Tales is on the TV. The back door is open, and the dogs are running in and out, unable to decide whether they'd rather be sitting next to us or barking at the neighbors. A pot of pinto beans is simmering on the stove. The sky has darkened with the promise of the first storm of the Spring. There is thunder in the distance.
It seems like a good time to catch up a little bit on my Google Reader. 646 unread items don't go quietly into the night. I skim recipes and funny stories and useful household tips. And then I scroll down and see the latest post from A Holy Experience. There are certain people that I swear to you have hidden cameras that can peer into my living room and my soul. C.S. Lewis is one of them. Ann Voskamp is another. Her challenge from today's post is to slow down. That's all. Just slow down.
Why is that so hard?
When I started this blog I was struggling. With infertility. With my career. With my marriage. With trying to control everything and juggle a million balls all by myself and heaven forbid I let anyone help because a ball might get dropped and then I just couldn't predict the result. It was chaos. It wasn't pretty.
Over the last year I've done better with the control issues. I've managed to not have many sleepless nights with my stomach in knots despite financial issues, personal conflicts, and the various other "life things" that always seem to wiggle their way in and nag me into giving them much higher importance than I should. Things are busy, but I'm not stressed. The housework is hopelessly behind, the baby doesn't nap, I can't remember the last time I made time just for me and Aaron, it's possible I might have over-extended myself a little bit in a few areas, but it's okay because everything will get done eventually. Things are pretty busy right now, but I've got it all under control.
Wait. What?
Did that thought really just cross my mind?
I've got it all under control?
Am I here again? Here. Again.
Busy has become my new control mechanism. Busy has taken over worry. Busy is why my house is a mess, and I'm drinking what is probably too many Dr Peppers again. Busy is why there are so many things half-done creating an atmosphere of chaos in my home and in my soul.
When it hits me I walk away from the computer. I step out onto the back porch and take a deep breath. I watch the clouds roll in and thank God for the coming rain and for the reminder that He is control. That He is the keeper of the storms and the calm that comes afterward. I thank Him for my whiny baby, my sometimes-oblivious husband, my neurotic dogs, my messy house, and my weed-ridden backyard. I thank Him for the imperfections. Because when I force myself to slow down and accept the imperfections in my life I am reminded of my need for a Savior.
And I am blown away by His grace.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.” (Lamentations 3:22-24)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Holy Spirit, Rain Down
This seems to be a season of change. It feels like everyone I know is dealing with some kind of change - new jobs, new homes, new babies, financial stress, illness, death of a loved one, etc. I'm not worried or anxious about these changes; I know God is in control and I have peace. But my heart is heavy for the people I love who are dealing with new and/or difficult situations.
This morning my daily Bible verse from K-LOVE radio was in my email.
This verse is the perfect compliment to a song we sang Sunday at church that has been playing in my head over and over. This song is my prayer for my friends and I as we work this season of change.
Holy Spirit, rain down, rain down
This morning my daily Bible verse from K-LOVE radio was in my email.
This verse is the perfect compliment to a song we sang Sunday at church that has been playing in my head over and over. This song is my prayer for my friends and I as we work this season of change.
Holy Spirit, rain down, rain down
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tasmanian She-Devil
Last week I started reading a new book for a small group study: Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. The author's focus is finding intimacy with God despite the busyness of life. By the time I got to page 3 I was giggling. By page 4 I was laughing out loud. As the author relates the story of Mary and Martha from Luke 10:38-42 she makes modern day comparisons. Martha was "the original Martha Stewart" and "Israel's answer to Betty Crocker". When faced with a group of hungry men "she doesn't whip up an impromptu casserole of Kraft macaroni and cheese and Ballpark franks". While managing the meal preparations she "barks commands to her kitchen staff". Meanwhile, her sister sits at the feet of Jesus.
And yet, Jesus takes Mary's side. Jesus says Mary has "chosen the better part".
If I'm honest I have to admit that my sarcastic inner voice would have said something like "Okay Jesus, let's see how much better it is when all you have to eat for dinner is stale bread and a pot of beans". I would have kept right on doing what I was doing and left Jesus and Mary to their own devices - all the more determined to put together a fabulous meal. But when I really stopped to think about it later that night I would have been confused and maybe a little hurt. I mean, why does Mary get recognition for doing nothing while I work my rear end off to serve? Doesn't Jesus care that I'm working so hard?
Now before you get too worried about me and my sarcastic tendencies, let me assure you that I understand the message behind this story. It's so obviously more important to Jesus that we develop a relationship with Him rather than simply checking off our religious to-do list. And when we grasp that concept we can revel in the freedom that comes from truly knowing Christ. It seems so simple, and yet, for someone like me it's so difficult to change what comes naturally. I'm comfortable in my busyness. I like checking off my to-do list as quickly as possible. My skills are a gift from God, but he wants me to sit still and not use them sometimes?
I had been running this contradiction over and over in my mind for a few days (while mentally chuckling about the image of Martha, a cheese ark, and little fruit giraffes) and I came across this quote on a blog I follow:
I'm excited to get farther into my small group study and to gain encouragement from other women who struggle with the same things. In the meantime, I'm going to go organize some files in my study. But only for a little while. Then I'm going to spend my evening with my husband and enjoy the pleasure of his company without making mental lists or fretting about a garage that needs to be cleaned out. The Tasmanian she-devil is going back in her cage.
"Where's Mary? Has anyone seen Mary?" she asks a servant scurrying by. If Mary changed the sheets, Martha might have time to fashion an ark from the cheese and carve the fruit into little animals marching two by two. Productions of this magnitude require the skill of a master planner. And Martha's an adminstrator extraordinaire - a whirling dervish of efficiency, with a touch of Tasmanian she-devil thrown in to motivate the servants.Here's the thing...I've always identified with Martha. Sitting still is definitely not on my list of skills. Especially not when there are people to feed. If I was Martha I would be filled with righteous indignation at the sight of my sister sitting lazily with the men while I did all the work. It wouldn't have been pretty.
And yet, Jesus takes Mary's side. Jesus says Mary has "chosen the better part".
If I'm honest I have to admit that my sarcastic inner voice would have said something like "Okay Jesus, let's see how much better it is when all you have to eat for dinner is stale bread and a pot of beans". I would have kept right on doing what I was doing and left Jesus and Mary to their own devices - all the more determined to put together a fabulous meal. But when I really stopped to think about it later that night I would have been confused and maybe a little hurt. I mean, why does Mary get recognition for doing nothing while I work my rear end off to serve? Doesn't Jesus care that I'm working so hard?
Now before you get too worried about me and my sarcastic tendencies, let me assure you that I understand the message behind this story. It's so obviously more important to Jesus that we develop a relationship with Him rather than simply checking off our religious to-do list. And when we grasp that concept we can revel in the freedom that comes from truly knowing Christ. It seems so simple, and yet, for someone like me it's so difficult to change what comes naturally. I'm comfortable in my busyness. I like checking off my to-do list as quickly as possible. My skills are a gift from God, but he wants me to sit still and not use them sometimes?
I had been running this contradiction over and over in my mind for a few days (while mentally chuckling about the image of Martha, a cheese ark, and little fruit giraffes) and I came across this quote on a blog I follow:
The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view. Letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings. Coming in out of the wind.
~C.S. LewisI don't think I can say it any better than that. It's a constant battle for me, and it's certain to only get harder in about 60 days when a nurse places my first child in my arms. But I owe it to the God who blesses me daily to take time to come out of the wind. Time to silence my inner Tasmanian she-devil and not get too caught up in the mundane details. Time to find Jesus in the ordinary things and pass those insights on to my little family.
I'm excited to get farther into my small group study and to gain encouragement from other women who struggle with the same things. In the meantime, I'm going to go organize some files in my study. But only for a little while. Then I'm going to spend my evening with my husband and enjoy the pleasure of his company without making mental lists or fretting about a garage that needs to be cleaned out. The Tasmanian she-devil is going back in her cage.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Stopping The Train
I wrote in January about the biography John Adams by David McCullough. One of the things that struck me most while reading the book was the strength of Abigail, John's wife. She spent years separated from her husband and her children, and although she struggled, her faith and sense of purpose never waivered. Recently, I found a reference to one of Abigail's letters in a different book. Here's what she wrote:
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Pigs Off A Cliff
I recently re-read a familiar Bible story. In Matthew 8 Jesus cast demons out of two men. The demons were sent into a herd of pigs which subsequently went berserk, ran down a steep embankment into the sea, and drowned. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the first recorded case of deviled ham. Hello? Is this thing on?
I've always heard this story described as an illustration regarding the power of Jesus over Satan - which is definitely valid and important - but I think there's more here. See, the story ends with the people of the city coming to Jesus and begging him to leave. So let me get this straight. Your town has two men desperately in need of an exorcist who are terrorizing the local cemetery. These two are so fierce that no one will pass by the area. A new guy shows up, performs the exorcism, makes the area safe again, and you promptly tell him to go away? Frankly, the peoples' reaction left me confused. After all, the solution only cost them a herd of pigs, right? I see two possible answers here, and I think the truth is a combination of the two.
First, I think the people were angry at losing their source of income. I'm no expert when it comes to Biblical economics, but losing an entire herd of pigs had to hit a few people in the pocketbook. Second, I think they were scared of the power Jesus had because it was unlike anything they had ever experienced before. And when I think about it from that angle the reaction of the locals makes much more sense. Yes, they had a little problem regarding two insane men and the cemetery, but this was a problem they were used to dealing with. A newcomer who had the power to cast out demons and completely heal the previously affected men - this was a new thing. Who knew what this new guy was truly capable of doing. I mean, he'd already destroyed a herd of pigs. Naturally, he should be asked to leave.
Of course, he'd also cured two men just by speaking a few words. Maybe someone who had the power to cast out demons also had more than enough power to handle the next problem that came along. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus was bigger than poverty or uncertainty. Maybe he had more to offer than simply casting out demons. But the locals missed it because they reacted out of anger and/or fear.
How often do I make the same mistake? How often does God cast my demons into pigs but I miss his power because all I'm able to see is the fact that I'm suddenly missing my pigs? Do I hang on to my comfortable status quo so tightly that I miss the blessings He's trying to give me?
I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "radical Christianity", and I've decided that this term seriously bothers me. (Yes, this an abrupt subject-change, but please stay with me.) Since when has there been any form of Christianity that wasn't radical? Jesus was radical. His disciples were radical. The early church was radical. After all, what kind of modern, enlightened human thinks more about the well-being of others than he does about his own security? How crazy does a man have to be to give up everything dear to him and follow Jesus to the point of persecution, imprisonment, and death?
The term "radical Christianity" seems to be reasonably new. It's a term we use to make ourselves feel better about the people who demonstrate self-sacrifice and complete faith in God in their daily lives. I believe that most of us, myself included, allow our faith to take us only as far as our comfort zone allows. That comfort zone is different for each person. It comes in the form of friendships, bank accounts, busy schedules, and countless other things. And those comfort zones are what cause us to keep the pigs in our lives rather than seeing the blessings God has for us. They prevent us from effectively living our potential through the Holy Spirit.
My word for this year is 'Stewardship'. The more I think about being a steward of God's gifts the more I become convicted that I have to move away from thinking about "radical Christianity" and accept that there's no other form. Christianity is not about following a checklist of do's and don't in the hope that one day I'll be deemed "good enough" to get into heaven. It's not even really about heaven at all. It's about falling head over heels in love with my Creator who loved me so much that he gave his only Son as a sacrifice to cover my insufficiencies. It's about understanding and acting on the fact that, for some inexplicable reason, the Almighty God chooses to know me and love me personally. I don't know specifically what this so-called "radical Christianity" means in my life yet. There are so many things being tossed around in my brain that it can be hard to determine which path to take. But I do know that I - just like everyone else - have a herd of pigs that I've been carefully tending. And it's time to identify those pigs, send them off a cliff, and see what God will do.
I've always heard this story described as an illustration regarding the power of Jesus over Satan - which is definitely valid and important - but I think there's more here. See, the story ends with the people of the city coming to Jesus and begging him to leave. So let me get this straight. Your town has two men desperately in need of an exorcist who are terrorizing the local cemetery. These two are so fierce that no one will pass by the area. A new guy shows up, performs the exorcism, makes the area safe again, and you promptly tell him to go away? Frankly, the peoples' reaction left me confused. After all, the solution only cost them a herd of pigs, right? I see two possible answers here, and I think the truth is a combination of the two.
First, I think the people were angry at losing their source of income. I'm no expert when it comes to Biblical economics, but losing an entire herd of pigs had to hit a few people in the pocketbook. Second, I think they were scared of the power Jesus had because it was unlike anything they had ever experienced before. And when I think about it from that angle the reaction of the locals makes much more sense. Yes, they had a little problem regarding two insane men and the cemetery, but this was a problem they were used to dealing with. A newcomer who had the power to cast out demons and completely heal the previously affected men - this was a new thing. Who knew what this new guy was truly capable of doing. I mean, he'd already destroyed a herd of pigs. Naturally, he should be asked to leave.
Of course, he'd also cured two men just by speaking a few words. Maybe someone who had the power to cast out demons also had more than enough power to handle the next problem that came along. Maybe, just maybe, Jesus was bigger than poverty or uncertainty. Maybe he had more to offer than simply casting out demons. But the locals missed it because they reacted out of anger and/or fear.
How often do I make the same mistake? How often does God cast my demons into pigs but I miss his power because all I'm able to see is the fact that I'm suddenly missing my pigs? Do I hang on to my comfortable status quo so tightly that I miss the blessings He's trying to give me?
I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "radical Christianity", and I've decided that this term seriously bothers me. (Yes, this an abrupt subject-change, but please stay with me.) Since when has there been any form of Christianity that wasn't radical? Jesus was radical. His disciples were radical. The early church was radical. After all, what kind of modern, enlightened human thinks more about the well-being of others than he does about his own security? How crazy does a man have to be to give up everything dear to him and follow Jesus to the point of persecution, imprisonment, and death?
The term "radical Christianity" seems to be reasonably new. It's a term we use to make ourselves feel better about the people who demonstrate self-sacrifice and complete faith in God in their daily lives. I believe that most of us, myself included, allow our faith to take us only as far as our comfort zone allows. That comfort zone is different for each person. It comes in the form of friendships, bank accounts, busy schedules, and countless other things. And those comfort zones are what cause us to keep the pigs in our lives rather than seeing the blessings God has for us. They prevent us from effectively living our potential through the Holy Spirit.
My word for this year is 'Stewardship'. The more I think about being a steward of God's gifts the more I become convicted that I have to move away from thinking about "radical Christianity" and accept that there's no other form. Christianity is not about following a checklist of do's and don't in the hope that one day I'll be deemed "good enough" to get into heaven. It's not even really about heaven at all. It's about falling head over heels in love with my Creator who loved me so much that he gave his only Son as a sacrifice to cover my insufficiencies. It's about understanding and acting on the fact that, for some inexplicable reason, the Almighty God chooses to know me and love me personally. I don't know specifically what this so-called "radical Christianity" means in my life yet. There are so many things being tossed around in my brain that it can be hard to determine which path to take. But I do know that I - just like everyone else - have a herd of pigs that I've been carefully tending. And it's time to identify those pigs, send them off a cliff, and see what God will do.
"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this." ~C.S. Lewis
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Exaggeration
I'm one of those people who is prone to exaggeration. I over-use hyperbole, and I'm okay with that. Those who know me get it and understand that it's part of my communication style. It may cause an eye-roll on occasion, but they accept it and we all move on.
I've been slowly reading my way through Crazy Love by Francis Chan And when I say slowly, I mean very very slowly. I'm trying to let his words sink in and allow me to see God in a way that I haven't before. This morning - much to my dismay - I was wide awake by 7:15. On a Saturday. I think it might have had something to do with the fact that "Q" was banging around in my belly asking for a bowl of cereal. So being the unselfish mommy that I am (or maybe because I knew that the hunger-related puking was about to begin) I got up and fixed the requisite bowl of cereal and decided to dig a little further into Crazy Love. When I got to a section about the holiness of God I had one of those "Aha" moments - one of those "see God in a new way moments". And I knew I had to write about it.
I started this blog four months ago at a time in my life when I was frustrated and disappointed by many aspects of my current situation. I realized that my frustration was coming from the fact that I was pursuing my own agenda and trying to make God fit into my plans. It was time to be still and know that He is God and to accept whatever He put in my path as something to help me grow. Four months ago I was struggling with infertility, I was in a job that I despised when I so desperately wanted to be able to be a stay-at-home mom, and my husband and I were just not on the same page about any of the big "life issues". Today, barely four months later, I can say with absolute certainty that God was waiting on me to give up. Every single thing I was frustrated or disappointed in has been resolved. I am 17 weeks pregnant with a healthy little peanut, I was able to quit my job and switch to a low-stress part-time situation, and my relationship with my husband is better than it's ever been. What changed in four months? My attitude.
See, God doesn't change. He is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. He is who He is. The Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. His plans are flawless. And all He asks of us is that we believe in Him and love Him wholeheartedly, and He will shower us with blessings beyond our wildest dreams.
Here's the hard part (and I've written about this before because I have a hard grasping it)...belief is not a feeling. Belief is not stationary. Belief requires action. Read the book of Genesis and look for how many times God tells someone to move or to act. It happens over and over again. My current favorite is the story of Rebekah. She meets a total stranger at a well who ends up telling her that God sent him to take her to be the wife of some man she's never met in a country that she's never been to. Her parents agree that she can go, but they request time to make preparations. See, weddings were a huge multi-day event. It was often a sad event for the bride who, in all likelihood, would never return to see her family again. At the very least, life as she had always known it was ending. Families needed the time to prepare for separation. But Rebekah's reply was simply "Yes I will go." And through her, the great story of the Bible continued.
Rebekah had free will - she could have said no, and God's plan would have continued through someone else in another way. Because His plans are flawless. But because she said yes she was part of God's amazing story, and we are reading her name thousands of years later.
We all have a story like Rebekah. There are times in our lives where we have to choose whether to stay or go - whether to believe or doubt. It might be simple. It might be tremendously complex. But we all have that moment where we have to make a decision that determines more than we could ever imagine. My mom and I were talking earlier this week about the way God works through His people. If you know my mom ask her to tell you about my brother's job - she'll gladly oblige. That story is an incredible testimony to the flawless plan of God. And it all started with a "chance meeting", a "casual remark", and a "simple decision".
You're probably wondering what in the world all this has to to do with my tendency to exaggerate and the book, Crazy Love. Here's what I read this morning:
I don't know where you are as you read this. I hope you are near to one of those moments I mentioned earlier when it's time to make a decision to allow God to work. Those moments are terrifying, and often they don't make much sense to our limited intelligences. But I can assure you of one thing with absolute certainty. Our God has delivered his people since the beginning of time, and He has not changed since he spoke us into being. We serve a God who cannot be exaggerated. I encourage you to step out in faith and see what He can do. You won't be disappointed!
I've been slowly reading my way through Crazy Love by Francis Chan And when I say slowly, I mean very very slowly. I'm trying to let his words sink in and allow me to see God in a way that I haven't before. This morning - much to my dismay - I was wide awake by 7:15. On a Saturday. I think it might have had something to do with the fact that "Q" was banging around in my belly asking for a bowl of cereal. So being the unselfish mommy that I am (or maybe because I knew that the hunger-related puking was about to begin) I got up and fixed the requisite bowl of cereal and decided to dig a little further into Crazy Love. When I got to a section about the holiness of God I had one of those "Aha" moments - one of those "see God in a new way moments". And I knew I had to write about it.
I started this blog four months ago at a time in my life when I was frustrated and disappointed by many aspects of my current situation. I realized that my frustration was coming from the fact that I was pursuing my own agenda and trying to make God fit into my plans. It was time to be still and know that He is God and to accept whatever He put in my path as something to help me grow. Four months ago I was struggling with infertility, I was in a job that I despised when I so desperately wanted to be able to be a stay-at-home mom, and my husband and I were just not on the same page about any of the big "life issues". Today, barely four months later, I can say with absolute certainty that God was waiting on me to give up. Every single thing I was frustrated or disappointed in has been resolved. I am 17 weeks pregnant with a healthy little peanut, I was able to quit my job and switch to a low-stress part-time situation, and my relationship with my husband is better than it's ever been. What changed in four months? My attitude.
See, God doesn't change. He is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. He is who He is. The Alpha and the Omega. The Beginning and the End. He is all-powerful and all-knowing. His plans are flawless. And all He asks of us is that we believe in Him and love Him wholeheartedly, and He will shower us with blessings beyond our wildest dreams.
Here's the hard part (and I've written about this before because I have a hard grasping it)...belief is not a feeling. Belief is not stationary. Belief requires action. Read the book of Genesis and look for how many times God tells someone to move or to act. It happens over and over again. My current favorite is the story of Rebekah. She meets a total stranger at a well who ends up telling her that God sent him to take her to be the wife of some man she's never met in a country that she's never been to. Her parents agree that she can go, but they request time to make preparations. See, weddings were a huge multi-day event. It was often a sad event for the bride who, in all likelihood, would never return to see her family again. At the very least, life as she had always known it was ending. Families needed the time to prepare for separation. But Rebekah's reply was simply "Yes I will go." And through her, the great story of the Bible continued.
Rebekah had free will - she could have said no, and God's plan would have continued through someone else in another way. Because His plans are flawless. But because she said yes she was part of God's amazing story, and we are reading her name thousands of years later.
We all have a story like Rebekah. There are times in our lives where we have to choose whether to stay or go - whether to believe or doubt. It might be simple. It might be tremendously complex. But we all have that moment where we have to make a decision that determines more than we could ever imagine. My mom and I were talking earlier this week about the way God works through His people. If you know my mom ask her to tell you about my brother's job - she'll gladly oblige. That story is an incredible testimony to the flawless plan of God. And it all started with a "chance meeting", a "casual remark", and a "simple decision".
You're probably wondering what in the world all this has to to do with my tendency to exaggerate and the book, Crazy Love. Here's what I read this morning:
To say that God is holy is to say that He is set apart, distinct from us. And because of His set-apart-ness, there is no way we can ever fathom all of who He is. To the Jews, saying something three times demonstrated its perfection, so to call God "Holy, Holy, Holy" is to say that He is perfectly set apart, with nothing and no one to compare Him to. That is what means to be "holy".
Many spirit filled-authors have exhausted the thesaurus in order to describe God with the glory He deserves. His perfect holiness, by definition, assures us that our words can't contain Him. Isn't is a comfort to worship a God that we cannot exaggerate?It doesn't matter how fond I am of hyperbole it is impossible for me to exaggerate the power, wisdom, and holiness of God. And yet, that same indescribable God, is working intricately in my life to make me more Christ-like and to pour out His grace and mercy. He knows me by name. I am completely and utterly overwhelmed.
I don't know where you are as you read this. I hope you are near to one of those moments I mentioned earlier when it's time to make a decision to allow God to work. Those moments are terrifying, and often they don't make much sense to our limited intelligences. But I can assure you of one thing with absolute certainty. Our God has delivered his people since the beginning of time, and He has not changed since he spoke us into being. We serve a God who cannot be exaggerated. I encourage you to step out in faith and see what He can do. You won't be disappointed!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
What To Wear
I've recently discovered a new blog that has completely captured my heart, A Holy Experience. The writing is beautiful and poignant, and I've been looking forward to reading Ann's words each morning as I start my day. A few days back she wrote about her daughter asking her what a habit is. Her response was "A habit is something you wear". I chewed on that response for awhile. Something about it struck me, but I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it. A few days later, Ann wrote another entry referring to habits.
I'm a list maker. I keep notebooks by my bed and by "my side" of the couch, and they are full of lists. Sometimes my brain just feels so full of ideas that I need to get them out to allow things to flow freely again. It's like a traffic jam of thoughts. I could go back and look at years worth of notebooks and see years worth of lists that never materialized into action. This has always bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what to do about it because, let's face it, there's only so many hours in a day and I have just one set of hands. So I keep making lists that sit in notebooks and eventually are thrown away to be replaced by a new notebook of lists that will start the cycle all over again. *Heavy Sigh*.
And then I read Ann's words, and the solution smacked me in the head like a 2x4.
(That's usually how God communicates with me. I always seem to miss the whispers and hints and end up needing the ol' 2x4 to the forehead. But that's a whole different blog entry!)
The solution is so simple. Rather than focusing on how to get everything on those lists finished - just focus on smaller, simpler lists. Stop trying to layer on so many "habits" that I look like Joey in the famous Friends episode. Look at me - I'm Chandler - Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!
So how do I simplify. What are those habits that are worth wearing? What do I choose to focus on? This year my goal is to focus on Stewardship. With that in mind I formed my list of "habits".
1. Breathe
I wrote last week about learning to breathe. To fill my spirit with the knowledge of God in all His many forms. I will slow down. I will make time to sit quietly and breathe the spirit of God. I will own the fact that this time will not fall in my lap - I have to schedule it and adhere to that schedule.
2. Give
I'm not talking about monetary giving, although that's definitely part of the big picture. What I'm talking about is giving of myself. Freely with no reservations. If there is a need my question should be "How can I fill it?" rather than "How can I manage to fit it into my busy schedule?". One answer assumes a positive response while the other assumes negativity. I want to be the one that says "Here am I. Send me." Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
3. Be Illogical
With every apology to my father and my grandfather it's time to be a little bit illogical. Sometimes the tuggings of the Holy Spirit defy logic. I can guarantee you that if I had been Ananias in Acts 9, and the Lord had said "Hey, I want you to go track down the most infamous persecutor of Christians and pray over him" I would have had some serious questions to ask. What about when the angel told Abraham and Sarah that they were going to have a baby at their advanced age? Remember Sarah's laughter? Yep, that'd be me! And then when God told Abraham to take that same child up the mountain and sacrifice him? Riiiiight. And that doesn't even begin to cover the vast array of stories that defy man's logic. What about Moses? What about Gideon? Let me clarify. I'm not saying that I have plans to do anything crazy. But I can tell you that I have no idea what is on the horizon in so many areas of my life. A few months ago I would have been curled into the fetal position sucking my thumb. Today I'm fighting that urge and trying to rely on the promises God has made and kept for centuries. Today I'm almost looking forward to the challenge of doing something crazy and being able to give the glory to God. I don't know what He's going to ask of me, but I do know that I want to be ready to go when He calls!
That's it. Those are the habits I want to wear. I want my legacy to be based in these things. Strange, isn't it, that those are the things that are completely counter-intuitive to me? The things that are completely against my selfish nature. Or maybe, when I consider how God works, it's not so strange after all.
"When I told her that a habit is something that you wear, I felt it, how I caught on something, snagged. For days, I unravel. Forget figuring out how to form a habit. I’m not there yet. First, what are the few habits worth wearing? You can only layer so much."Whoa!
I'm a list maker. I keep notebooks by my bed and by "my side" of the couch, and they are full of lists. Sometimes my brain just feels so full of ideas that I need to get them out to allow things to flow freely again. It's like a traffic jam of thoughts. I could go back and look at years worth of notebooks and see years worth of lists that never materialized into action. This has always bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what to do about it because, let's face it, there's only so many hours in a day and I have just one set of hands. So I keep making lists that sit in notebooks and eventually are thrown away to be replaced by a new notebook of lists that will start the cycle all over again. *Heavy Sigh*.
And then I read Ann's words, and the solution smacked me in the head like a 2x4.
(That's usually how God communicates with me. I always seem to miss the whispers and hints and end up needing the ol' 2x4 to the forehead. But that's a whole different blog entry!)
The solution is so simple. Rather than focusing on how to get everything on those lists finished - just focus on smaller, simpler lists. Stop trying to layer on so many "habits" that I look like Joey in the famous Friends episode. Look at me - I'm Chandler - Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!
So how do I simplify. What are those habits that are worth wearing? What do I choose to focus on? This year my goal is to focus on Stewardship. With that in mind I formed my list of "habits".
1. Breathe
I wrote last week about learning to breathe. To fill my spirit with the knowledge of God in all His many forms. I will slow down. I will make time to sit quietly and breathe the spirit of God. I will own the fact that this time will not fall in my lap - I have to schedule it and adhere to that schedule.
2. Give
I'm not talking about monetary giving, although that's definitely part of the big picture. What I'm talking about is giving of myself. Freely with no reservations. If there is a need my question should be "How can I fill it?" rather than "How can I manage to fit it into my busy schedule?". One answer assumes a positive response while the other assumes negativity. I want to be the one that says "Here am I. Send me." Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
3. Be Illogical
With every apology to my father and my grandfather it's time to be a little bit illogical. Sometimes the tuggings of the Holy Spirit defy logic. I can guarantee you that if I had been Ananias in Acts 9, and the Lord had said "Hey, I want you to go track down the most infamous persecutor of Christians and pray over him" I would have had some serious questions to ask. What about when the angel told Abraham and Sarah that they were going to have a baby at their advanced age? Remember Sarah's laughter? Yep, that'd be me! And then when God told Abraham to take that same child up the mountain and sacrifice him? Riiiiight. And that doesn't even begin to cover the vast array of stories that defy man's logic. What about Moses? What about Gideon? Let me clarify. I'm not saying that I have plans to do anything crazy. But I can tell you that I have no idea what is on the horizon in so many areas of my life. A few months ago I would have been curled into the fetal position sucking my thumb. Today I'm fighting that urge and trying to rely on the promises God has made and kept for centuries. Today I'm almost looking forward to the challenge of doing something crazy and being able to give the glory to God. I don't know what He's going to ask of me, but I do know that I want to be ready to go when He calls!
That's it. Those are the habits I want to wear. I want my legacy to be based in these things. Strange, isn't it, that those are the things that are completely counter-intuitive to me? The things that are completely against my selfish nature. Or maybe, when I consider how God works, it's not so strange after all.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
One Year Ago Today
One year ago today Jean Arnwine, a family friend, was in Haiti on a mission trip. Jean was injured in the quake and did not survive her wounds. With all the media coverage of the anniversary of the Haitian disaster I am reminded of the events of the past year.
One year ago today my sister-in-law was newly pregnant with my niece, Ava. Today Ava is a chubby little 12 week old.
One year ago today Jenny Ross Bizallion had not contracted the infection that would eventually take her life. Today her family has made it through their first holiday season without their beloved daughter, wife, mother, and friend.
One year ago today my husband and I had given up trying to have a baby. We were wrestling with the decision of whether or not to adopt and grieving our inability to have a child of our own. Today I am 12.5 weeks pregnant, sick as a dog, and loving just about every minute of it.
"These things are merely a whisper of God's power at work. How little we would understand if this whisper ever turned into thunder! ~Job 26:14
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." ~Job 1:21
One year ago today my sister-in-law was newly pregnant with my niece, Ava. Today Ava is a chubby little 12 week old.
One year ago today Jenny Ross Bizallion had not contracted the infection that would eventually take her life. Today her family has made it through their first holiday season without their beloved daughter, wife, mother, and friend.
One year ago today my husband and I had given up trying to have a baby. We were wrestling with the decision of whether or not to adopt and grieving our inability to have a child of our own. Today I am 12.5 weeks pregnant, sick as a dog, and loving just about every minute of it.
One year ago today my dear friend Ben was nearing the end of his fight with cancer. Today his widow, children, and church family are still missing his smile, his amazing strength, and his unwaivering faith.
The few stories above are just examples of the many highs and lows of 2010. There were births, deaths, job changes, spiritual struggles, and joyful celebrations. I was sitting at my desk this afternoon - taking a break from work and reminiscing - and my favorite song came on the radio. It was not a coincidence. It was a reminder.
"These things are merely a whisper of God's power at work. How little we would understand if this whisper ever turned into thunder! ~Job 26:14
"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." ~Job 1:21
Monday, January 10, 2011
Breathing
I am not a calm person. I do not sit still. I fidget. My toes are always moving - wiggling back and forth. I am always multi-tasking. If the house is quiet I turn on the TV. I don't breathe deeply. I don't really rest.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm high-strung or overly anxious. I just don't slow down. I'm always on the move. Always thinking about the next thing. My brain is always pumping out ideas. And I'm used to it. It's just how I am - a little stressed, under pressure, busy.
I think that needs to change.
I had a horrible week last week. I have this client who is just a nasty little man. He's disorganized, a terrible communicator, arrogant, and he has a mean streak a mile wide. And last week he was "on a roll". Five days in a row of being on edge - braced for the next round of his irrational rantings (combined with fighting off nausea) left me a total wreck. When I went to the doctor on Tuesday they had to take my blood pressure three times over a 30 minute span before I was able to relax enough for it to be at a normal level. Friday afternoon I had a complete breakdown in front of the big boss - tears included. It was not a pretty thing!
It makes me angry that I allow the client to get to me like that. I know I'm good at my job. I know I do the best I can do every time I walk in the door. I know that he is absolutely impossible to please, and that no matter what I do it won't measure up. So why can't I accept that and just roll with the punches?
I spent the weekend dreading Monday morning, knowing that another meeting with the big boss was inevitable. He's on my side, but it's still his job to make the client happy. I had planned to go to bed early Sunday night, wake up early Monday morning, and get to work ready to face whatever came my way. I had a plan!
Wouldn't you know that an ice storm hit DFW on Sunday, and the highway I take to work was shut down until after 8:00. As soon as I got word from the news that the roads were open I headed out the door. Two hours and thirty minutes later I pulled into the parking garage. I had missed the meeting with the big boss; I was so frustrated that my nausea had flared up, and my bladder felt like it was about to burst.
My plan had failed miserably.
Don't they always? We call it Murphy's Law. We call it Karma. We say "it is what it is". But ultimately our best laid plans almost always fail. It's not a surprise when you think about how flawed we are, and yet, I continue to get frustrated when my plans are thwarted. Over the years I've gotten better at managing my external reactions to stress, but I have to admit that basically all I've done is internalized what used to come out as anger. Now it manifests itself as muscle tension and shallow breathing.
It's time to take the reminder that God is trying to give me. It's not a coincidence that I was emailed three separate blog entries this morning about slowing down, relaxing, and letting God be God. Okay, I get it. I need to learn how to be still, breathe deeply, and let myself relax. My body is working overtime right now. I'm working full-time, I'm taking classes during the evenings/weekends, and I'm growing a person. And God is reminding me...
I want to be a calm presence in my home. I want to learn to breathe deeply through life. Through exciting beginnings, sad endings, and the craziness in between. I don't know specifically how to do this, but I do know the author of those beginnings and endings. His name is...
Elohim - Creator, Preserver, Transcendent, Mighty and Strong
El Shaddai - "God All Sufficient"
Adonai - Master, Lord
Jehovah-Jireh - "The Lord will Provide"
Jehovah-Rophe - "The Lord who Heals"
Jehovah-Nissi - "The Lord Our Banner"
Jehovah-M'Kaddesh - "The Lord who Sanctifies"
Jehovah-Shalom - "The Lord Our Peace"
Yahweh
It is for this reason that I am determined learn to breathe, to relax, and to listen. Not just for my health and sanity. Not just for the well-being of my unborn child. The main reason for my determination to slow down is for the intangible peace that comes from knowing my place as a follower and child of Yahweh. This is what God expects of me. He does not expect perfection, but He does expect adoration. He expects me to slow down, to listen, and to rest peacefully in Him. He expects me to seek Him, and when I do He will make Himself known.
Rabbi Lawrence Kushner quote taken from www.aholyexperience.com.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm high-strung or overly anxious. I just don't slow down. I'm always on the move. Always thinking about the next thing. My brain is always pumping out ideas. And I'm used to it. It's just how I am - a little stressed, under pressure, busy.
I think that needs to change.
I had a horrible week last week. I have this client who is just a nasty little man. He's disorganized, a terrible communicator, arrogant, and he has a mean streak a mile wide. And last week he was "on a roll". Five days in a row of being on edge - braced for the next round of his irrational rantings (combined with fighting off nausea) left me a total wreck. When I went to the doctor on Tuesday they had to take my blood pressure three times over a 30 minute span before I was able to relax enough for it to be at a normal level. Friday afternoon I had a complete breakdown in front of the big boss - tears included. It was not a pretty thing!
It makes me angry that I allow the client to get to me like that. I know I'm good at my job. I know I do the best I can do every time I walk in the door. I know that he is absolutely impossible to please, and that no matter what I do it won't measure up. So why can't I accept that and just roll with the punches?
I spent the weekend dreading Monday morning, knowing that another meeting with the big boss was inevitable. He's on my side, but it's still his job to make the client happy. I had planned to go to bed early Sunday night, wake up early Monday morning, and get to work ready to face whatever came my way. I had a plan!
Wouldn't you know that an ice storm hit DFW on Sunday, and the highway I take to work was shut down until after 8:00. As soon as I got word from the news that the roads were open I headed out the door. Two hours and thirty minutes later I pulled into the parking garage. I had missed the meeting with the big boss; I was so frustrated that my nausea had flared up, and my bladder felt like it was about to burst.
My plan had failed miserably.
Don't they always? We call it Murphy's Law. We call it Karma. We say "it is what it is". But ultimately our best laid plans almost always fail. It's not a surprise when you think about how flawed we are, and yet, I continue to get frustrated when my plans are thwarted. Over the years I've gotten better at managing my external reactions to stress, but I have to admit that basically all I've done is internalized what used to come out as anger. Now it manifests itself as muscle tension and shallow breathing.
It's time to take the reminder that God is trying to give me. It's not a coincidence that I was emailed three separate blog entries this morning about slowing down, relaxing, and letting God be God. Okay, I get it. I need to learn how to be still, breathe deeply, and let myself relax. My body is working overtime right now. I'm working full-time, I'm taking classes during the evenings/weekends, and I'm growing a person. And God is reminding me...
"Slow down, Mama. You're going to have to learn how to go with the flow. A new baby is on the way, a new career is in the works, and you have no idea what else is on the horizon."
(At this point I imagine a deep, all-knowing little chuckle).
I want to be a calm presence in my home. I want to learn to breathe deeply through life. Through exciting beginnings, sad endings, and the craziness in between. I don't know specifically how to do this, but I do know the author of those beginnings and endings. His name is...
Elohim - Creator, Preserver, Transcendent, Mighty and Strong
El Shaddai - "God All Sufficient"
Adonai - Master, Lord
Jehovah-Jireh - "The Lord will Provide"
Jehovah-Rophe - "The Lord who Heals"
Jehovah-Nissi - "The Lord Our Banner"
Jehovah-M'Kaddesh - "The Lord who Sanctifies"
Jehovah-Shalom - "The Lord Our Peace"
Yahweh
“The letters of the name of God in Hebrew… are infrequently pronounced Yahweh. But in truth they are inutterable….This word {YHWY} is the sound of breathing. The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing. That these letters are unpronounceable is no accident. Just as it is no accident that they are also the root letters of the Hebrew verb ‘to be’… God’s name is the name of Being itself.”When we calmly breathe through life, we find that God is there in all His forms. Too many times I rush through life and forget to find the small things God does each day. When I remember to stop and listen for His whisper I inevitably learn more about the true character of my Creator and Sustainer.
~Rabbi Lawrence Kushner
It is for this reason that I am determined learn to breathe, to relax, and to listen. Not just for my health and sanity. Not just for the well-being of my unborn child. The main reason for my determination to slow down is for the intangible peace that comes from knowing my place as a follower and child of Yahweh. This is what God expects of me. He does not expect perfection, but He does expect adoration. He expects me to slow down, to listen, and to rest peacefully in Him. He expects me to seek Him, and when I do He will make Himself known.
Now, O people, the Lord has told you what is good,
and this is what he requires of you:
to do what is right, to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God. ~Micah 6:8
Rabbi Lawrence Kushner quote taken from www.aholyexperience.com.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Naming the New Year
I hate New Years Resolutions. Lose weight, pay off debt, blah blah blah. How many people do you know that actually keep their resolutions? Mine are usually out the window by the second week of January. Of course, my goal is usually weight or health related, and January is full of football and chicken wings. So, there you go.
Therefore, I had firmly decided not to make any resolutions this year. Weight loss goals are a moot point considering I have an alien that has taken over my body and is causing me to crave things like mashed potates and refried beans (yes, on the same plate). Paying off debt is not an option since every spare penny will be going to the doctor, to the hospital, or in the bank to pay for maternity leave. I did make a reading list for myself this year which I don't consider to be a resolution. It's more like a map to keep me from standing in front of my bookshelves for an hour, chewing my nails and trying to figure out what to read next.
Then I pulled up Google Reader to catch up on some blogs that I hadn't read in awhile, and I saw something that struck me as interesting: Naming the New Year. I first saw the idea on Lisa Notes, and it tickled my brain a little bit. The idea is to link the upcoming year with a name, a theme, an idea - anything that will inspire you and challenge you throughout the year. Before I closed Google Reader I had seen five other blog friends write about naming their New Year. And a little voice in my head said "You should do this", and the name for my New Year was abundantly clear. Of course, I ignored that little voice for three days. I prefer to not be held accountable. After all, there's football and chicken wings on the horizon.
Then I remembered the whole "not-being-a-control-freak" thing, and alas, I gave up. My New Year has a name, and it's name is Stewardship.
I have many weaknesses - control freak, too sarcastic, habitually late - but there is one specific thorn in my flesh. It's that thing that I really hate most about myself. I can't really put a specific name on it because it's too big for that. Basically, I don't think I am a good steward of the gifts I've been given. This isn't the time for me to go into specifics, but my word for 2011 will be stewardship - physically, financially, spiritually, completely.
I've been thinking so much about that little alien I mentioned earlier. Aaron and I have been talking about the things that we want to teach him/her. We have so many ideas about the kind of home we want to have and the kind of example we want to set for this little critter. Now is the time to create those habits. If I wait until d-day it's too late.
Luke 12:48 says "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I have been given so much! How am I using it?
Aaron and I were talking on Christmas about the pressure Mary must have felt. Here Mary, you've just been handed the responsibility to parent the one and only Son of the Almighty God. Yikes! And then it hit us - we have the same gift. The child I'm carrying is God's child, too. He/She is not God in the flesh and will not be the Savior of mankind, but I don't think Mary could possibly have understood those things while she watched her belly swell and then her child grow. She, just like me, had a precious gift from God and her responsibility was to be a good steward.
What I am doing with the gifts God has entrusted to me?
What will the name of your new Year be?
Therefore, I had firmly decided not to make any resolutions this year. Weight loss goals are a moot point considering I have an alien that has taken over my body and is causing me to crave things like mashed potates and refried beans (yes, on the same plate). Paying off debt is not an option since every spare penny will be going to the doctor, to the hospital, or in the bank to pay for maternity leave. I did make a reading list for myself this year which I don't consider to be a resolution. It's more like a map to keep me from standing in front of my bookshelves for an hour, chewing my nails and trying to figure out what to read next.
Then I pulled up Google Reader to catch up on some blogs that I hadn't read in awhile, and I saw something that struck me as interesting: Naming the New Year. I first saw the idea on Lisa Notes, and it tickled my brain a little bit. The idea is to link the upcoming year with a name, a theme, an idea - anything that will inspire you and challenge you throughout the year. Before I closed Google Reader I had seen five other blog friends write about naming their New Year. And a little voice in my head said "You should do this", and the name for my New Year was abundantly clear. Of course, I ignored that little voice for three days. I prefer to not be held accountable. After all, there's football and chicken wings on the horizon.
Then I remembered the whole "not-being-a-control-freak" thing, and alas, I gave up. My New Year has a name, and it's name is Stewardship.
I have many weaknesses - control freak, too sarcastic, habitually late - but there is one specific thorn in my flesh. It's that thing that I really hate most about myself. I can't really put a specific name on it because it's too big for that. Basically, I don't think I am a good steward of the gifts I've been given. This isn't the time for me to go into specifics, but my word for 2011 will be stewardship - physically, financially, spiritually, completely.
I've been thinking so much about that little alien I mentioned earlier. Aaron and I have been talking about the things that we want to teach him/her. We have so many ideas about the kind of home we want to have and the kind of example we want to set for this little critter. Now is the time to create those habits. If I wait until d-day it's too late.
Luke 12:48 says "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I have been given so much! How am I using it?
Aaron and I were talking on Christmas about the pressure Mary must have felt. Here Mary, you've just been handed the responsibility to parent the one and only Son of the Almighty God. Yikes! And then it hit us - we have the same gift. The child I'm carrying is God's child, too. He/She is not God in the flesh and will not be the Savior of mankind, but I don't think Mary could possibly have understood those things while she watched her belly swell and then her child grow. She, just like me, had a precious gift from God and her responsibility was to be a good steward.
What I am doing with the gifts God has entrusted to me?
"Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.” ~Haggai 1:5-6
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty. ~Malachi 3:10-12
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” ~Luke 6:37-38
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Matthew 6:19-21
What will the name of your new Year be?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Hope
I can't believe it's Christmas time again. Last year I was ready. I spent the month of November focusing on gratitude and was so excited for Christmas to come. I was focused and I had a plan. This year it snuck up on me. I've spent the last three weeks in a little bit of a fog. I'm feeling rather bewildered, and I also feel a little guilty that my focus has been fairly self-centered recently.
Sunday morning we lit the first Advent candle on our wreath at church. It's the candle that symbolizes the hope of the season. And I'm ashamed to say I didn't give it much thought beyond "oh, that's nice".
Until later.
I spent the last three weeks wondering if an ultrasound machine was going to give us good news. Tuesday afternoon I was a total nervous wreck. (Is there anything that takes control away from you like the process of growing a person?!) It was the day before my doctor appointment, and I could not seem to grab onto a sense of peace about the situation. On my way home from work I turned to what has recently become my favorite coping tool - praise music. I plugged in the mp3 player, set it on shuffle, and took off down the highway. Here's what came out of my speakers:
He came to live a perfect life
He came to be the Living Word, our Light
He came to die so we'd be reconciled
He came to rise to show His power and might
That's why we praise Him
That's why we sing
That's why we offer Him our everything
That's why we bow down and worship this King
Cuz He gave his everything
He came to live again in us
He came to be our Conquering King and Friend
He came to heal and show the lost one His love
He came to go prepare a place for us
That's why we praise Him
That's why we sing
That's why we offer Him our everything
That's why we bow down and worship this King
Cuz He gave his everything
And driving down the Dallas North Tollway on a Tuesday night I was once again reminded that no matter what the ultrasound showed my reason for praising God would remain unchanged. And suddenly, that Advent candle made a lot more sense.
When we celebrate Christmas we're not just celebrating the birth of Jesus. It's not about the manger, or the shepherds, or the angels singing from heaven. It's about the beginning of something new for mankind. I know this is a rather elementary lesson, and it's not new to me, but it's something I needed to be reminded of this year. We have a promise from God that is unchangeable and eternal. Jesus Christ - that tiny little baby that came to this earth so long ago - has gone on before us and is interceding for us with God Almighty. He paid our debts. His blood wiped the slate clean. And in this we have Hope.
No matter what the ultrasound shows.
No matter what amount next week's paycheck is.
No matter what struggles we face.
We have a Hope that is certain.
There is no greater gift that God could have given, and that is the true meaning of Christmas!
Sunday morning we lit the first Advent candle on our wreath at church. It's the candle that symbolizes the hope of the season. And I'm ashamed to say I didn't give it much thought beyond "oh, that's nice".
Until later.
I spent the last three weeks wondering if an ultrasound machine was going to give us good news. Tuesday afternoon I was a total nervous wreck. (Is there anything that takes control away from you like the process of growing a person?!) It was the day before my doctor appointment, and I could not seem to grab onto a sense of peace about the situation. On my way home from work I turned to what has recently become my favorite coping tool - praise music. I plugged in the mp3 player, set it on shuffle, and took off down the highway. Here's what came out of my speakers:
He came to live a perfect life
He came to be the Living Word, our Light
He came to die so we'd be reconciled
He came to rise to show His power and might
That's why we praise Him
That's why we sing
That's why we offer Him our everything
That's why we bow down and worship this King
Cuz He gave his everything
He came to live again in us
He came to be our Conquering King and Friend
He came to heal and show the lost one His love
He came to go prepare a place for us
That's why we praise Him
That's why we sing
That's why we offer Him our everything
That's why we bow down and worship this King
Cuz He gave his everything
And driving down the Dallas North Tollway on a Tuesday night I was once again reminded that no matter what the ultrasound showed my reason for praising God would remain unchanged. And suddenly, that Advent candle made a lot more sense.
When we celebrate Christmas we're not just celebrating the birth of Jesus. It's not about the manger, or the shepherds, or the angels singing from heaven. It's about the beginning of something new for mankind. I know this is a rather elementary lesson, and it's not new to me, but it's something I needed to be reminded of this year. We have a promise from God that is unchangeable and eternal. Jesus Christ - that tiny little baby that came to this earth so long ago - has gone on before us and is interceding for us with God Almighty. He paid our debts. His blood wiped the slate clean. And in this we have Hope.
No matter what the ultrasound shows.
No matter what amount next week's paycheck is.
No matter what struggles we face.
We have a Hope that is certain.
That's why we praise HimThis Christmas I will listen to the songs and look at the nativity scenes with a different perspective. Not because of the little miracle growing inside me right now, but because I want to constantly be reminded that the little baby in those songs and those nativity scenes represents the Hope that I have in God's eternal promise.
That's why we sing
That's why we offer Him our everything
That's why we bow down and worship this King
Cuz He gave his everything
There is no greater gift that God could have given, and that is the true meaning of Christmas!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Faith Like A Child
I'm jealous of people who have effortless faith. You know the ones I mean - they never seem to be shaken, never seem to worry, never seem to question. It's that "faith like a child".
I'm not one of those people. It's not that I doubt God's existence or any kind of spiritual crisis like that. It's just that I have this deep-seated need to understand things. I have to try to make sense of things that happen. Sometimes to the point that my constant figuring and reasoning gets in the way of other things I should be doing because it turns into worry.
I've become convicted of two things regarding worry over the last couple of months:
1) Worrying is arrogant. It's me trying to be God. It means I think I can figure it out better than He can.
2) Worrying is disbelief. If I claim to follow God I have to trust Him to do what He says He will do. If I'm worrying I'm not trusting.
I'm a pretty tough person usually, but the one area I feel really spiritually vulnerable is my thoughts. It's so easy to allow thoughts of doubt, worry, and stress to creep in. I've especially been wrestling with this over the last two weeks, and I've found two things that help me. (Notice I said "help me" rather than "stop me from worrying". The stopping part hasn't happened yet.)
I'm not one of those people. It's not that I doubt God's existence or any kind of spiritual crisis like that. It's just that I have this deep-seated need to understand things. I have to try to make sense of things that happen. Sometimes to the point that my constant figuring and reasoning gets in the way of other things I should be doing because it turns into worry.
I've become convicted of two things regarding worry over the last couple of months:
1) Worrying is arrogant. It's me trying to be God. It means I think I can figure it out better than He can.
2) Worrying is disbelief. If I claim to follow God I have to trust Him to do what He says He will do. If I'm worrying I'm not trusting.
I'm a pretty tough person usually, but the one area I feel really spiritually vulnerable is my thoughts. It's so easy to allow thoughts of doubt, worry, and stress to creep in. I've especially been wrestling with this over the last two weeks, and I've found two things that help me. (Notice I said "help me" rather than "stop me from worrying". The stopping part hasn't happened yet.)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Broken or New?
Every now and then I read a blog entry that strikes my heart and leaves me saying "Wow - that's EXACTLY what I've been thinking!" and "I have to post this on my blog RIGHT NOW!". Today at Callapidder Days, there was one of those entries. Here's the link:
http://callapidderdays.com/2010/11/broken-or-new.html
I can't tell you how many times in the last year I've looked at my husband and said the words "can we just get a break?!?!?". In so many ways it felt like we were broken while others had it so "easy". In reality, I knew that we were (and are) incredibly blessed and that I was just being whiny and self-absorbed. But when you feel broken it's hard to look past those feelings and accept the blessings.
What I hadn't put into words until I read Katrina's post today was that God has to allow to break before he can put us back together.
I have so much more to say about this topic, but I can't get it out of head right now in a way that makes sense. Let me just say that I am overwhelmingly thankful for the words and wisdom of people I have never met. I am constantly amazed at the way God aligns His people to allow them to minister to each other.
Katrina, if you are reading this, please know that you ministered to me today. God is good!
http://callapidderdays.com/2010/11/broken-or-new.html
I can't tell you how many times in the last year I've looked at my husband and said the words "can we just get a break?!?!?". In so many ways it felt like we were broken while others had it so "easy". In reality, I knew that we were (and are) incredibly blessed and that I was just being whiny and self-absorbed. But when you feel broken it's hard to look past those feelings and accept the blessings.
What I hadn't put into words until I read Katrina's post today was that God has to allow to break before he can put us back together.
I have so much more to say about this topic, but I can't get it out of head right now in a way that makes sense. Let me just say that I am overwhelmingly thankful for the words and wisdom of people I have never met. I am constantly amazed at the way God aligns His people to allow them to minister to each other.
Katrina, if you are reading this, please know that you ministered to me today. God is good!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Following
I've been thinking recently about what it means to follow God. I did a search for the word "follow" on BibleGateway.com, and found 231 results. The Bible talks a lot about following. But what exactly does it mean to follow?
The dictionary has several definitions for "follow", but they all have one thing in common: they all involve motion. It is not possible to follow while sitting still (unless the person you are following is also sitting still). And to take it one step further, following requires paying attention. You can't just wander aimlessly and assume your steps will fall in line with the person you intend to follow. You have to watch and purposely make the decision to move in a similar direction.
Most of the time I hear about following God in the context of laws. We follow the will of God by living according to His principles. And that's a good thing, but there's a flaw in it. See, it's possible to live according to God's principles and not move forward. It's possible to obey every one of the Ten Commandments and never move outside your comfort zone.
So is that really following?
The dictionary has several definitions for "follow", but they all have one thing in common: they all involve motion. It is not possible to follow while sitting still (unless the person you are following is also sitting still). And to take it one step further, following requires paying attention. You can't just wander aimlessly and assume your steps will fall in line with the person you intend to follow. You have to watch and purposely make the decision to move in a similar direction.
Most of the time I hear about following God in the context of laws. We follow the will of God by living according to His principles. And that's a good thing, but there's a flaw in it. See, it's possible to live according to God's principles and not move forward. It's possible to obey every one of the Ten Commandments and never move outside your comfort zone.
So is that really following?
Monday, November 1, 2010
Love
I've been sitting on this one for awhile. Do you ever have those things that you know you have to share, but you're not sure exactly how to do it? I have probably re-written this in my head a million times before I actually sat down to type it, and even now I'm sure I'll go through several drafts of the blog post.
I recently read a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries that talked about stories. It talked about how every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The point of the devotional was that each of us could be part of the beginning of someone's salvation story at any point. As I read, however, I began to think about the middle of our stories. I thought about all the little stories that are written during the spiritual journey we take from our acceptance of the gospel until our final breath.
35 years ago a church in Mesquite, TX made the decision to begin a story in the form of an outreach ministry. They called it the JOY Bus Ministry, and their plan was to reach out to the community by providing transportation and building relationships. If you will, please indulge me a little while I tell you about this ministry.
I recently read a devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries that talked about stories. It talked about how every story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The point of the devotional was that each of us could be part of the beginning of someone's salvation story at any point. As I read, however, I began to think about the middle of our stories. I thought about all the little stories that are written during the spiritual journey we take from our acceptance of the gospel until our final breath.
35 years ago a church in Mesquite, TX made the decision to begin a story in the form of an outreach ministry. They called it the JOY Bus Ministry, and their plan was to reach out to the community by providing transportation and building relationships. If you will, please indulge me a little while I tell you about this ministry.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
God at Work
My friend, Caryn, has a blog. Her post last week slapped me right between the eyes. Click here to read, God at Work.
Today I see God at work in the friends he has brought me that continually remind me of the blessings I have been given.
My work environment was previously a horribly depressing place. Now - thanks to two new fabulous Christian co-workers - I work in a place where prayer and laughter take top priority.
Through the internet I am able to stay in touch with friends thousands of miles away and be blessed by the insights they share via their blogs.
One year ago I didn't know any of the people that I now worship with at church each week. The group of young marrieds and young families has blessed my life more than I could have ever imagined.
My friend, Kristi, says on her blog that life is a story in the making and God is the author. Today as I look back over my story I am thankful that God continues to pour out blessings even though I sometimes receive them with an ungracious attitude.
Today I see God at work in the friends he has brought me that continually remind me of the blessings I have been given.
My work environment was previously a horribly depressing place. Now - thanks to two new fabulous Christian co-workers - I work in a place where prayer and laughter take top priority.
Through the internet I am able to stay in touch with friends thousands of miles away and be blessed by the insights they share via their blogs.
One year ago I didn't know any of the people that I now worship with at church each week. The group of young marrieds and young families has blessed my life more than I could have ever imagined.
My friend, Kristi, says on her blog that life is a story in the making and God is the author. Today as I look back over my story I am thankful that God continues to pour out blessings even though I sometimes receive them with an ungracious attitude.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Hello, My Name is Sarah...
and I'm a control freak. I used to say those words proudly. It was a badge of honor because it meant that I was on top of things. There was no need to talk about weaknesses or disappointments. Just brush them under the rug, focus on your strengths, and attack the next challenge with vigor. Take the bull by the horns. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Never let 'em see you sweat.
And those are good ideas to a certain extent.
But see, most people can "take the bull by the horns" and attack life with their chin up while still allowing others to see the chinks in their armor. They can share their weaknesses and their struggles openly with people they trust. I see my weaknesses as failures. I don't talk about my own struggles because I can handle it all on my own. I'm the person who is juggling so many balls (by my own choice, I should add) that she can't let anyone else catch one for fear that she'll lose track and they'll all fall down.
And those are good ideas to a certain extent.
But see, most people can "take the bull by the horns" and attack life with their chin up while still allowing others to see the chinks in their armor. They can share their weaknesses and their struggles openly with people they trust. I see my weaknesses as failures. I don't talk about my own struggles because I can handle it all on my own. I'm the person who is juggling so many balls (by my own choice, I should add) that she can't let anyone else catch one for fear that she'll lose track and they'll all fall down.
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